The Star Trek Movie
by Daniel Fielder
Summary: Human, James T. Kirk, goes to Hollywood to follow his dream of making people happy, picking up friends along the way, leading to the group being chased by Quark who wants to use Kirk for his own money making commercial schemes.
1. The First Screening

Here's an idea I've had for awhile, so please keep an opened mind.  
Disclaimer: The Muppets belong to Jim Henson and Disney, and Star Trek belongs to JJ Abrams, Robert Orci, Gene Roddenberry, and Paramount.

* * *

**The Star Trek Movie  
**Prologue: The First Screening

It was a bright shiny day at Paracount studios. A car drove up to the gate guard with two Cardassians in it.  
"Hello, I'm Dukat." Dukat said.  
"I'm Damar." Damar added. "We're here to heckle The Star Trek Movie.  
"Gentlemen, that's straight ahead." The guard said. "Private Screening Room B."  
"Private screening?" Dukat asked.  
"Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public." Damar replied as the two laughed.  
They then drove onwards.  
"Look at this place." Dukat said. "What a dump."

In the screening room, Carol Marcus, one of the stars of the movie, was talking to some of her friends.  
"Yeah, I know, it was great." Carol said with a smile as a robotic man named Lore appeared.  
"Hey lady, is this seat taken?" Lore asked as he pulled the seats next to Carol away.  
"Hey you, bring that back!" Carol shouted out.  
"Ё моё, I'm so nervous." Pavel Chekov, another star said. "If I'm not funny, I von't be able to live vith myself."  
"Well then, you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?" Spock said with a smile. As Chekov smiled too at the joke.  
"You know, I heard that this movie is dynamite." Vic Fontaine, a supporting actor in the film, said with a smile.  
"Popcorn!" A supporting actor named Julian Bashir said. "Fresh organic popcorn, only a buck."  
"Oh honey, buy me some, please?" Kasidy Yates asked her boyfriend, Benjamin Sisko.  
"Oh sure." Sisko said. "Nothing's too good for my woman."  
"Whoo!" The excitable Nog called out. "This is gonna be awesome!"  
"Calm down, Nog." Ezri Dax said with a sigh.  
"Well I like the movie fine, so far." Dukat said.  
"It hasn't started yet." Damar pointed out.  
"That's what I like about it." Dukat added with a smirk as the two laughed.  
James T. Kirk, the host for the screening and one of the stars of the film walked down as he was stopped by Worf.  
"Kirk, does this film have culturally redeeming values?" Worf asked.  
"I certainly hope so, Worf." Kirk said before turning to his girlfriend and co-star. "Hey Carol."  
"Hey Jim." Carol said. "I tried to save you a seat, but someone took it."  
"No worries." Kirk said as he got in front of everybody. "Okay everyone, welcome to the first screening of the Star Trek Movie."  
Everyone cheered.  
"Now before we begin, I'd like to give thanks to everyone who made this film possible. Starting with the hair dressers to the costume designers and-"  
"Jim, I don't think speeches are necessary." Carol pointed out. "We can just watch the credits at the end. Roll the film."  
"Well I just wanted to thank-" Kirk began when Nog began shouting.  
"ROLL THE DARN FILM!"  
"Okay, okay." Kirk said calmly. "Roll the film!"  
Kirk then sat down to his nephew, Peter, who looked just like him as a boy.  
"Uncle Jim, is this how you guys really got started?" Peter asked.  
"Well it's approximately what happened." Kirk said with a smile as they turned to the screen.

* * *

I know some of you will be angry with me mixing Muppets and Star Trek, but I figured on giving it a shot, so don't be afraid to tell me what you think. Just please keep it PG.


	2. The Rainbow Connection

Chapter 1: The Rainbow Connection

James T. Kirk was relaxing in his family farm as he played a banjo and relaxed.  
_Why are there so many songs about rainbows  
and what's on the other side?  
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,  
and rainbows have nothing to hide.  
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.  
I know they're wrong, wait and see.  
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.  
The lovers, the dreamers and me._

Who said that every wish would be heard  
and answered when wished on the morning star?  
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.  
Look what it's done so far.  
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing  
and what do we think we might see?  
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.  
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?  
I've heard them calling my name.  
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors?  
The voice might be one and the same.  
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.  
It's something that I'm supposed to be.  
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.  
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

As Kirk finished singing, he heard a voice call out for help. He walked up to the large river beside his house and looked as a man came by on a boat.  
"This is a serious call for help here!" The man shouted out. "You with the banjo!"  
"Yeah?" Kirk asked. "What do you need?"  
"I have lost my sense of direction!" The man said.  
"Have you tried Harry Fisher?" Kirk asked.  
"No, I mean I'm really lost." The man said.  
"So where do you wanna go?" Kirk asked.  
"Out of this state." The man said. "I've gotta catch a plane."  
"Oh." Kirk said. "So you need to find the airport. It's just downstream."  
"Thank you." The man said.  
"Just watch out for the alligators." Kirk warned.  
"Right." The man said. "Wait, alligators?! Did you say alligators?"  
"Read my lips." Kirk said plainly. "Alligators."  
"It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I'm from." The man said. "You see, I'm an agent from Hollywood."  
"Hollywood?!" Kirk said in awe. "Did you say Hollywood?!"  
"Read my lips kid." The man said. "Hollywood. You know. The dream town. Hey, don't you ever see the movies."  
"Oh yeah." Kirk said. "There's a double feature in town every Friday."  
"Hey, wait a minute." The agent said. "There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in."  
The agent opened a paper and turned to a quarter page ad with the Paracount logo on it.  
"'Paracount studios announces open auditions for people seeking to become rich and famous.'" Kirk read. It sounded interesting, but it didn't sound like Kirk's cup of tea. "Thanks anyway, but I'm really quite happy here."  
"Oh, if I were you, I'd definitely consider this audition very carefully." The man said quickly. "You've got talent kid. I heard you singing. Come on. You could make millions of people happy."  
"Millions of people happy?" Kirk asked.  
"That's right." The agent said. "If you ever come to Hollywood, look me up."  
The agent then handed Kirk a card.  
"The name's Gene Roddenberry." Gene said.  
"Well, you better get moving to catch that plane, Mr. Roddenberry." Kirk said. "Well... See you in the movies."  
Gene Roddenberry smiled and rowed off.  
Kirk then chewed on what Gene Roddenberry said.  
"I'd miss this old place but... Millions of people happy." Kirk sighed.  
He knew what to do. He got his bike out of the shed, made sure he had money in his pocket, and rowed off.

* * *

Hooray! Kirk's beginning his journey!


	3. Pavel Chekov

Chapter Two: John Blake

After an hour or so of riding, Clark passed what seemed to be a billboard advertising something called "LuthorCorp's French Fired Frog Legs".  
"What the...?" Clark asked himself. The very idea of that stuff always made Clark's stomach turn. He'd tried a frog leg as a kid, and he spent the rest of the night in the bathroom.  
Beside the billboard, an African American man was talking to a construction crew, usually shouting "Don't step on the asphalt!"  
Clark had to admit, this Luthor guy worked quickly as the man smiled and waved at Clark who waved back.  
"Hey, you on the bike, watch out!" The man shouted when Clark looked up and saw a steam roller coming right at him!  
Thinking quickly, Clark flew up just before the steam-roller turned his bike into a pancake. Clark sighed as he sat on the sidewalk.  
"Phew." Clark sighed. "That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street without any warning cones or marking the thing off. If I couldn't fly, I'd be gone with the Schwinn."

That night, Clark arrived at a place called the El Sleezo Café.  
"Yeash." Clark groaned. "I wonder what kind of food they serve. Doesn't sound very appetizing, but... a guy's gotta eat."  
Just then, a man was flung out of the restaurant.  
"Rough place, huh?" Clark asked.  
"That is the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest hole on the face of the earth!" The man said.  
"Well why not complain to the owner?" Clark asked.  
"I am the owner." The man replied.  
"Oh..." Clark said with some shock. "Uh... Sorry."  
Clark went in and found that the place was made up mostly of tough guys, sailors, bikers, and such, and their girlfriends. Clark walked up to the bar as a brunette woman turned to him.  
"Hey, sailor." The woman said. "Buy me a drink?"  
"Uh..." Clark said as he reddened badly. "I'm not a sailor."  
"Ah, cut the small talk and buy me a drink." The woman said offhandedly.  
"But I don't even know you." Clark pointed out when a sailor came up.  
"Hey, you making out with my girl?" The man asked.  
"No sir." Clark insisted.  
"He did to." The woman said. "He touched me."  
"Oh, now that is a completed myth!" Clark insisted.  
"A what?" The man asked.  
"A myth!" Clark repeated. "Myth!"  
"Yes?" A blond woman in a black shoulder-less dress and red boa asked as she walked up.  
"What the hey?" Clark asked.  
"That happens a lot." The man said.  
Just then, a man's voice shouted out, "Show time! Show time at the El Sleezo!"  
Scott took a look at the stage.  
"And now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo dancing girls, the funny, fabulous, John Blake!"  
Just then, the curtains opened to reveal an eighteen-year-old boy with brown hair to only one man clapping his hands together... To kill a fly.  
"Thank you, ladies and germs!" The boy, John called out. "You're a great crowd. Here I am, John Blake, here to tell you jokes both old and great! "  
Everyone already began booing the poor kid.  
"Well, let's start things up with a bang." John said as someone shot at him and missed. "Thanks for that, sir."  
"This guy's lost." Clark groaned.  
"Maybe he should try Harry Fisher." A waiter said.  
"Good grief." Clark groaned. "What a weak running gag."  
"Uh..." John continued, finally feeling the stress apparently. "There was this sailor who was so fat-"  
"How fat was he?!" A very large sailor asked as he smashed a bottle against the table, and it shattered.  
"He was so fat that everyone liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all, the end." John said timidly.  
After that, everyone began throwing food at John.  
"Oh no!" John groaned. "I just cleaned up this room! I'm a professional! I've had three performances."  
"Do you know any dance routines?" Clark asked as he walked to the stage.  
"Not really." John said. "Do you?"  
"Play something snappy, sir." Clark said to the piano man.  
"Got it!" The man said as he played the piano.  
"Now dance!" Clark said quickly as the two danced.

At the window, Tess Mercer saw the guy from earlier and showed him to her boss, Lionel Luthor. Luthor looked at Clark's dancing and smirked.  
Tess knew that Luthor was happy with who she had found.

"Too bad the dancing girls are on vacation." Clark sighed. "The crowd's getting ugly."  
"You think this crowd is ugly?" John asked. "You should see the dancing girls."  
After the dance was finished, everyone on stage rushed at Clark and John. They tossed John over the bar, and tossed Clark up as he was flung into wall. He didn't want to use his abilities since it could kill these guys, but he was definitely getting groggy from the toss.  
Just then, John came up in a bartender's uniform and a beard.  
"Okay everybody drinks on the house!" John called out as all the men rushed out excitedly.

On the roof of the El Sleezo, the men looked around confused. There were no drinks on the house.

Back at the bar, John sighed and took off the fake beard.  
"Works every time." John said with a smile.  
"Nice job." Clark said in amazement. "Well listen, my name is Clark Kent, and I'm on my way to Hollywood."  
Clark saw a lot of potential in John and figured he just needed an outlet.  
"Hollywood?!" John asked excitedly. "Big time showbiz?! That's always been my dream!"  
"Well they're looking for guys, so I figured, why not go together?" Clark asked.  
"My car's right outside!" John said with a smile.  
They walked outside and got into an old crème Studebaker.  
"Wow." Clark said. "A Studebaker. Where'd you get it?"  
"My uncle left it to me." John said casually.  
"Oh." Clark said. "Is he dead?"  
"No." John said plainly. "He's in a circus."  
Bobby drove off, followed by a mysterious black car that carried Lionel Luthor.

* * *

Uh-oh. Now we get to the point of interest.


	4. Quark

Chapter 3: Quark

"You know, Chekov, you really do have a lot of talent." Kirk said with a smile.  
"Zank you." Chekov said happily.  
"How about you and me making up an act?" Kirk asked.  
"Nope, sorry." Chekov said. "I only vork in ze single."  
"Oh." Kirk said. "Alright."  
After thinking for a moment, Chekov knew that not working with Kirk may take him back to a place like El Sleezo.  
"Alright, you talked me into it!" Chekov called out. "We'll be a team!"  
"Oh good!" Kirk said with a smile.  
Just then, they arrived at a road block.  
"You better slow down for that, Chekov." Kirk advised.  
"Yes sir." Chekov said plainly.  
They stopped and suddenly noticed that there wasn't any kind of road work to warrant the road block.  
"Hey, what's going on?" Kirk asked when a Ferangi man in a red and gold suit walked up.  
"Hello gentlemen." The Ferangi said. "I'm a business man with a proposition. Let me show you something that might change your whole life."  
Kirk and Chekov got out and arrived at an electronics store with a television in the front.  
"Now this is the kind of chance you can't afford to pass up." The Ferangi said as he held up a remote control. "Watch the window."  
With a click, a television turned on, and the same man appeared holding a bright green carton full of frog's legs.  
"Hello, I'm Quark." The television Quark said. "Inviting you to come on down and getting some delicious French Fried Frog Legs right here at the sign of with the bright green legs."  
The camera then zoomed out to reveal two plastic frog's legs acting as an arch to the restaurant Quark was standing in front of.  
"Yeash." Kirk said in disgust as several blond girls in 50s waitress uniforms came out.  
"Ё моё!" Chekov called out as his mouth began to drool.  
"There's cheese legs." The television Quark went on. "Finger legs. Chili legs, barbecue, or if you want a snack, try a frog leg burger, on a bright green bun."  
Quark took the burger he mentioned and at some of it.  
"Yech." Kirk said as Chekov vomited on the ground. "That was terrible! That was the most appalling, disgusting, revolting thing I've ever seen!"  
"Yes, I'm a great businessman and a nice guy, but I do lack the skills of a performer, unlike you." Quark said.  
"Say huh?" Kirk asked.  
"He's right you know." Chekov said. "You are wery likable, Kirk."  
"The kid's right." Quark said. "You my little friend are gonna do all our television commercials."  
"No way." Kirk insisted.  
"Now listen, there's five hundred bars of latinum up front in it for you, plus you'd be making this much every year." Quark said as he held up a huge bag of gold pressed latinum.  
"Let's go, Chekov." Kirk said as he walked back to the Studebaker.  
"Five hundred bars of latinum?" Chekov gaped. He never even knew someone could have five hundred bars of latinum at once. "Vould you consider someone like me?"  
"CHEKOV!" Kirk shouted, snapping Chekov back to his senses. "Right, sorry. Lost my head."  
Chekov and Kirk walked back to the Studebaker and took off.

"Hey wait!" Quark said before the two drove off. "ROM!"  
Rom arrived.  
"Follow those humons!" Quark said as Rom got in the car and drove off. "ROM!"  
The car teleported back to where Rom was.  
"Follow those humons with me in the car!" Quark called out.  
"Sorry Quark, I just got so excited!" Rom said. "Hey, how about the kid, isn't he great?"  
"Yes, just go!" Quark shouted.  
"But you promised me a reward." Rom pointed out.  
"Later Rom, now follow that car!" Quark said as Rom drove off, with Quark falling into his seat.

* * *

And so the chase begins!


	5. Moving Right Along

Chapter 4: Moving Right Along

By next morning, Chekov and Kirk were relaxing in the sunshine.  
"It's a gorgeous day!" Chekov said with a smile.  
"Definitely." Kirk agreed.  
"Terrific day for a drive." Chekov added.  
"Beautiful country out here." Kirk said as he observed the road.  
"A pair of humans seeing America!" Chekov said grandly.  
"_Moving right along in search of good times and good news._" Kirk sang as he played his banjo. "_With good friends you can't lose._"  
"_Zis could become a habit._" Chekov observed.  
_Opportunity knocks once.  
Let's reach out and grab it. (Yeah!)  
Together, we'll nab it!  
_"_We'll hitchhike, bus, or yellow cab it!_" Chekov called out grandly.  
"Cab it?" Kirk asked, since they were both low on money.  
"Just forget it." Chekov amended, realizing what he'd said.  
_Moving right along!  
Footloose and fancy free.  
Getting there is half the fun.  
Come share it with me.  
Moving right along!  
We'll learn to share the load.  
We don't need a map to keep this show on the road.  
_"Hey Chekov, turn left when we come to a fork in the road." Kirk said as he read a map.  
"Right!" Chekov said. "Turn left at the fork in the road."  
No sooner had he said it when they arrived at a fork in the road, with a fork right at the point where it split.  
"Turning left!" Chekov called out as Kirk stared at the fork.  
"I don't believe that." Kirk said in shock.  
_Moving right along.  
We've found a life on the highway.  
And your way is my way!  
So trust my navigation!  
California, here we come.  
Come high in the sky land!  
All palm trees and warm sand.  
_"_Though sadly, we just left Rhode Island._" Chekov said nervously.  
"We did what?!" Kirk asked in shock.  
"Just forget it." Chekov said again.  
_Moving right along!  
Hey LA, where've ya gone?  
Send someone to fetch us, we're in Saskatoon!  
Moving right along!  
_"_You take it._" Kirk said with a smile. "_You know best._"  
"_Hey, I've never seen ze sun come up in ze vest._" Chekov noted as he realized they were driving in the direction the sun was rising.  
They continued on when they noticed a passing African American on a motorcycle.  
"Hey, Chekov, look ahead." Kirk noticed.  
"Who is zat?" Chekov asked.  
"Let's see if we can give him a lift." Kirk added.  
"I don't know." Chekov mused. "He looks kinda tough."  
They stopped anyway, and Chekov turned to the boy.  
"Hey zere." Chekov said. "Vant a lift?"  
"Oh, no thanks." The man said. "I'm on my way to New Orleans to meet up with my cousin and his family."  
"Oh." Chekov said. "Good luck."  
They then drove on.  
_Moving right along.  
We're truly birds of a feather.  
We're in this together.  
And we know where we're going.  
Movie stars with flashy cars and life with the top down.  
_"_We're storming the big town._" Kirk said with a smile.  
"Yeah, storm is right." Chekov said as they got caught in a snow storm. "Should it be snowing?"  
"No, I don't think so." Kirk said with a sigh.  
_Moving right along!  
Footloose and fancy free!  
Ya ready for the big time?  
Is it ready for me?  
Moving right along...  
Moving right along...  
Moving right along. . .  
_By that afternoon, they noticed a huge billboard for French Fried Frog Legs.  
"Maybe you better pull over for a sec." Kirk said, as he wanted to see the poor dupe who signed up with Quark.  
"Got it." Chekov replied, and he pulled to the side of the road.  
"Hey Kirk, zat's you!" Chekov called out, pointing to the picture of a bucket full of fried frog legs, and in the center, near the top, was Kirk's face.  
Just then, Quark came out.  
"Get the picture, boy?" Quark said with a smile. "Mr. James T. Kirk, symbol of Quark's French Fried Frog Legs. Isn't that splendid? Just take a look at it."  
"All I can see are a lot of frogs with tiny crutches." Kirk said in disgust.  
"Now kid, don't you wanna be rich and famous?" Quark asked.  
"Not working for you, I don't!" Kirk snapped.  
"Yeah!" Chekov joined in.  
"Crutches?" Rom asked.  
"Shut up, Rom." Quark said quietly before turning to Kirk. "I know we're a smalltime operation, but we're expanding... Like a frog."  
"Actually, that's a myth." Kirk pointed out.  
"A what?" Quark asked.  
"A myth!" Kirk shouted. "MYTH!"  
"Yes?" The lady from El Sleezo asked as she appeared from behind the billboard.  
"Whoa." Chekov said in surprise.  
"Come on, Chekov, burn rubber." Kirk said.  
"You've got it." Chekov said as he charged forward.

The car moved away, and Quark was outraged.  
"THAT'S THE SECOND TIME IN TWO DAYS!" Quark snapped. "Well, I've done my best with that boy, now it's time for my worst. Open the door."  
"No, you open the door!" Rom shouted.  
"What?" Quark asked in shock.  
"I'm sorry, but the kid is right." Rom said. "You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of this. It's a moral decision, and I'll stand by it!"  
"I'll double your percentage." Quark said plainly.  
"I'll open the door." Rom said a second later.

* * *

Oh, now that was fun.


	6. Can You Picture That?

Chapter 5: Can You Picture That?

As the two continued driving, Chekov asked Kirk a question he'd had since they left El Sleezo.  
"Keptin, vhere are ve?" Chekov asked.  
"Well let's see." Kirk said as he pulled out the map. We're traveling down this black line here, and we just crossed that little red line..."  
As Kirk talked, Chekov took a look at the map as well.  
"How about ve take ze blue line?" Chekov asked as he saw a line that lead straight to California.  
"We can't take that." Kirk says. "According to the map key, that's a river."  
"Oh." Chekov said. "My bad."  
"Wait, Chekov, I've got a question." Kirk said.  
"Yeah?" Chekov asked.  
"Who's driving?" Kirk asked.  
The two realized that neither of them were paying attention to the road and stopped just before hitting a church.  
"Chekov, where did you learn to drive?" Kirk asked, clutching his heart.  
"I took a correspondence course." Chekov said plainly.  
Kirk groaned as Chekov drove into the parking lot.  
"This looks like a nice quiet spot." Scott observed. "Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days."  
"Yeah." Chekov said. "The funny thing is I'm still wide awake."  
"Me too." Kirk said just before Chekov passed out on the front seat.  
"Me too." Kirk said as he went to sleep too.  
They had been sleeping for a few minutes when jazz music suddenly came from the church, jolting them awake.  
"What is that?" Kirk asked.  
The two looked in through the door and found a huge band playing.  
"Zey sure don't look like normal church goers to me." Chekov said, and he was probably right. It was filled with various people. There was a man in a suit and tie with a microphone, a black haired African American woman in a conservative outfit on piano, and an African American man with a goatee playing the guitar. They walked in.  
"Cool it everybody." The gray haired man said. He had a slight New York accent. "It appears our morning melodies have attracted some wandering admirers."  
"Hey, who are you guys?!" Kirk asked.  
"We are Vic Fontaine and the Electric Frontier." The man said. "I'm Vic. Golden sax to go with my golden tone."  
"I'm Sisko." Sisko said. "I'm low bass."  
"And I'm Ezri Dax." A Trill woman with black hair and the guitar said.  
"Kasidy Yates." The human woman said. "Nice to meet you."  
"Hello." Chekov said with a squeak in his voice.  
"Chekov." Kirk sighed.  
"Sorry." Chekov replied.  
The Ferangi at drums, dressed all in yellow, screamed and slammed the drums with a bit too much enthusiasm.  
"That is Nog." Sisko said. "Show 'em what you do, Nog."  
"I want to beat the drums!" Nog shrieked as he began banging a symbol.  
"He's a little overenthusiastic." Ezri said.  
"Hey, don't forget about me!" Another voice called out, and they looked up to see a man with brown hair and a British accent. "I'm Julian Bashir. The band's road manager."  
"Oh yeah." Sisko said. "The road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him."  
"So he's the man with the contacts?" Chekov asked.  
"No, he's the man with the van." Vic corrected.  
"Yeah, we're planning on turning this old church into a coffee house." Bashir explained.  
"With music by us of course and refreshments... As soon as we find a cook." Kasidy stated.  
"It's gonna be nice and mellow and of course profitable." Vic said plainly.  
"So what brings you guys here?" Sisko asked.  
"Vell you see," Chekov began. "Kirk was at a house of his and Gene Roddenberry came along and-"  
"Chekov!" Kirk groaned. "You can't just repeat the whole story. It'll bore the audience."  
"Oh, sorry." Chekov said to the people reading this before turning to Kirk. "But Keptin, ze band vants to know.  
"Well then show them the script."  
"Oh right." Chekov said as he handed the script to them. "It starts here at chapter 1. You can skip the Prologue."  
"The Star Trek Movie, huh?" Vic asked, glancing at the title. "'James T. Kirk was relaxing in his family farm as he played a banjo and relaxed.'"

By the time Vic had gotten to the point of the script Chekov gave it to them, the two had fallen asleep.  
"'The two looked in through the door and found a huge band playing.  
"'Zey sure don't look like normal church goers to me.'" Chekov said, and he was probably right. It was filled with various people. There was a man in a suit and tie with a microphone, a black haired African American woman in a conservative outfit on piano, and an African American man with a goatee playing the guitar. They walked in."  
"And that would be where we came in." Vic finished as he set the script down. "Not a bad narrative. Though it looks like Mr. Kirk and Mr. Chekov are more visual since it looks like they checked out."  
"Well now that we know, we've gotta keep those two away from this Quark guy." Sisko said plainly.  
"Too true." Vic said plainly.  
"Now what can we do to help them?" Kasidy asked.  
"Well, if there was a movie or a fan-fic -" Ezri began.  
"Which it is." Vic pointed out.  
"We'd figure out some clever plot device." Ezri finished.  
"Like disguising their car so that it can't be recognized." Bashir called out.  
"Right!" Vic called out. "MUSICAL NUMBER!"  
The five of them then went to the Studebaker and poured all kinds of paint on it as they also sang.  
_Everybody's mother!  
Everybody's brother!  
I wanna be your lifetime friend!  
Playing to the rockets!  
Nothin' in my pockets!  
I keep it in the rainbows there!  
Whenever I have money,  
I think of milk and honey!  
Grinning like a Cheshire cat!  
I focus on the pleasure!  
Something I can treasure!  
Can you picture that?  
Can you picture that?!  
_"Hey Ben, take a verse." Vic said as they continued.  
_Let me take your picture!  
Add it to the mixture!  
Spirit has a caption now!  
Really nothing to it!  
Anyone can do it!  
It's easy and we all know how!  
Now begins the changing.  
Meant for rearranging.  
Nothing's where it's at.  
_"_Now the Eiffel tower's holding up a flower._" Vic finished with a smirk. "_Can you picture that?_"  
_Can you picture that?  
Because there's nothing out there you can't do.  
Yeah even Santa Claus believes in you.  
Deep down you believe me. Don't ya?  
Be a better drummer.  
Be an up and comer.  
Can you picture that?  
Can you picture that?!  
They continued their work and play.  
All of us are winning!  
Picking and a grinning!  
Lordy but I love to jam!  
Jelly belly giggling!  
Dancing and a wiggling!  
Honey that's the way I am!  
I work hard in Texas!  
I go home to relax yes!  
I keep it underneath my hat!  
Aurora borealis!  
Shining down in Dallas!  
Can you picture that?  
Can you picture that?!  
Can you picture!  
_"_You gotta see it in your mind!_" Vic called out.  
_Can you picture!_  
"_You know it's quick and easy to find._" Sisko pointed out.  
_Can you picture!  
_"_You don't have to buy a frame._" Kasidy stated plainly.  
_Can you picture!  
Can you picture that?!  
CAN YOU PICTURE THAT?!  
Loafer if you need it.  
Don't forget to feed it.  
Can you picture that!  
_By the time they were done, Kirk and Chekov were up and looked at what they made. The Studebaker had been colored rainbow and looked like a hippie bus.  
"Quark will never recognize you now." Vic said plainly.  
"Ё моё!, I don't know how to zank you guys." Chekov said happily.  
"I don't know why to thank you guys." Kirk groaned, looking at the eye sore.  
"Our pleasure, guys." Sisko said warmly.  
"Are you sure you won't come with us to Hollywood?" Chekov asked.  
"Can't pal." Vic said. "But when you get rich and famous, maybe we'll come down to visit and exploit your wealth."  
Everyone laughed as Kirk turned to Chekov.  
"Move it right along, Chekov." Kirk said with a smile.  
"Yes sir!" Chekov said.

* * *

What the flying fudge did I just write?!


	7. Data

Chapter 6: Data

Quark and Rom were driving down the road as Quark was on the phone with someone.  
"I'm telling you, this kid does everything." Quark said. "He sings, tells jokes, and he even rides a bicycle."  
Quark then turned to Rom.  
"Rom, find me two humons in a tan colored Studebaker."  
Just then, two humans in a rainbow colored Studebaker drove past.  
"Gee, Quark, all I can see is two humons in a rainbow colored Studebaker." Rom said before realizing what he'd said.

As Chekov and Kirk continued down the road, they saw Quark's limo drive after them.  
"Chekov, they're right behind us!" Kirk called out.  
"I know!" Chekov said agitatedly. "I know!"  
"Well how'd they recognize us?!" Kirk called out.  
"Maybe zey recognized you." Chekov said plainly.  
"What do you mean?" Kirk asked.  
"Well how many people do you know who sits in ze passenger seat like it's a Keptin's chair?" Chekov explained.  
"Can't you drive any faster Chekov?!" Kirk called out. "They're gaining on us!"  
"Nyet." Chekov said. "zis zing's going as fast as it can."  
They then saw an ad for Faygo with a rainbow colored motive.  
"Pull in front of that sign." Kirk said quickly.  
They did so, and Kirk was right. The Electric Frontier's paint job matched the billboard perfectly. The two ducked down and Quark's car drove right past.  
"Vell zat vorked out pretty well." Chekov said as Kirk groaned.

Meanwhile, on the same road, a white skinned android with black hair named Data was riding a van with his girlfriend and partner in his plunger business, Annika Hansen, AKA Seven of Nine.  
"So I told Captain Janeway that just because we were sharing an apartment didn't mean I had to deal with her strict rules, so I packed up and left." Seven said, finishing a story about her old friend, Kathryn Janeway.  
"Wow, good for you!" Data said. "Now... We just need a plumbing job."  
"Well no offense Data, but people are paying you to do something they can do themselves." Seven pointed out. "It is a pretty small market."  
"Well that is fair." Data said as the van accidentally drifted to the wrong side of the road.

Kirk and Chekov were driving down when they saw the van there.  
"Chekov, look at that funny little van." Kirk said.  
"Yeah, cute isn't it?" Chekov said.  
"No, I meant it's heading straight for us!" Kirk called out.  
"Oh." Chekov said. "AH!"  
"We're gonna hit!" Kirk called out when he saw that the van was now gone. "We missed it."  
"Oh, you call that a miss?" Data said as he transported down from the roof with Seven.  
"How'd you do that?" Kirk asked.  
"I used an emergency transporter to transport the van on top of the car." Data said.  
"Oh." Kirk said.  
It was at this point that Data began hopping up and down in the back seat.  
"You guys okay?" Kirk asked.  
"Yes." Seven said calmly.  
"Why are you hopping up and down?" Chekov asked Data.  
"Because I am hopping mad!" Data called out.  
"Guy has a sense of humor." Kirk observed.  
"Hey, why don't you join us?" Chekov asked.  
"Where are you going?" Data asked.  
"Ve're following our dream." Chekov said.  
"Really?" Data asked. "Well I have a dream too... But you will think it is stupid."  
"No we won't." Chekov said. "Tell us."  
"Well, my dream is to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star." Data said plainly.  
"You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star." Chekov pointed out. "You go vhere ve're going. Hollywood."  
"Well sure, if you vant to do it the easy way."  
"Ve picked up a veirdo..." Chekov groaned.  
"You get used to it." Seven sighed.  
Eventually, they arrived at a small town and a car lot.  
"Hey, Mad Man Mooney's." Seven said. "It is a used car lot."  
"Yeah, maybe we can trade in both these old cars and get one big one." Kirk said.  
"Vhat?!" Chekov called out. "Trade in my uncle's Studebaker?!"  
"That is what he said." Data confirmed.  
"Oh, vhen he comes back from Florida, he'll kill me." Chekov groaned.  
Everyone got out of the car and looked around.  
"Oh, my dear friends!" The salesman said. "Welcome to Mad Man Mooney's used car lot. Today's your lucky day!"  
"It is?" Kirk asked.  
"It is." The man said. "You see guys; you're driving the wrong car."  
"I am?" Chekov asked.  
"I was not!" Data called out angrily.  
"I can put you in this German street machine for only 2,000 strips of latinum minus a twelve dollar trade in on the old car." The salesman said as he patted the car he was trying to sell them, and the fender fell off. "Detachable fenders for narrow garages."  
"No thanks." Kirk sighed.  
"Worf, get out here!" The salesman said as a Klingon male with black, about the same age as Data arrived.  
"Hello." Worf said. "I am Worf, Son of Mogh. Towing the cars in the lot this old man sells is my occupation."  
"Just move the car, Worf." The salesman said agitatedly. Worf did so bare handed.  
"Now seriously friends," the salesman went on. "Mad Man Mooney doesn't believe in all that dealing and wheeling."  
As the salesman was talking, Worf got bothered by a fly near a car that was priced at 1,195 dollars.  
"No, the price on the sticker is the price you pay and never more and never less."  
Just then, Worf swatted the fly as it landed on the sticker, which ended up making it read "11.95".  
"We will take that one for eleven dollars and ninety-five cents." Seven said quickly.  
The salesman turned around and saw it.  
"That is our five dollar trade in." Data pointed out. "You owe us a nickel."  
The deal went down as Worf arrived with the keys.  
"Hey thanks." Kirk said. "By the way, we're all going to Hollywood. You wanna come with us?"  
"Hollywood?!" Worf said as he rushed off.  
"That's weird." Kirk said. "He ran off. Well, move it right along, Chekov."  
"Right." Chekov said as they drove off.

As the car went off, Worf raced after them with a suitcase.  
"Hey you guys, wait!" Worf called off. "I wanna go with you!"  
He sighed and began chasing after them. He really needed to just say 'yes' or 'no' instead of rushing off.

* * *

That was fun!


	8. Never Before and Never Again

Chapter 7: Never Before and Never Again

They made a quick pit stop at a carnival to stretch their legs and get a bite to eat. As they looked around, they passed a booth for a pageant for Bogen County.  
"It's time to announce the winner of this year's Bogen County Beauty Pageant." The announcer said.  
"You zink ve should take a look, guys?" Chekov asked.  
"Eh." Kirk said. "What harm could it do?"  
"Wow!" Data called out as the runners up came through. "What women!"  
"Hey!" Seven called out.  
"Oh!" Data said quickly. "No offense, Seven."  
"Now before announcing the winner, I think we should thank the celebrity judges." The announcer continued. "Archer and T'Pol."  
Everyone applauded.  
"You're not gonna believe who the winner is, folks." Archer groaned.  
"Oh come on now, Captain." T'Pol replied. "It's their fan fiction."  
"And here she is, folks!" The announcer called out. "The new Miss Bogen County! Carol Marcus!"  
Carol came out enamored and waved at everyone. She had beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes.  
"Oh thank you everyone!" Carol called out. "Thank you so much!"  
Kirk was looking at her when their eyes met, and they couldn't stop staring at each other.  
_Never Before... Have two souls met so freely  
And so fast...  
For me this is the first time,  
And the last...  
Is this an angel's wish for men?  
Never before... and never again...  
And where to find the words to sing its worth.  
This love was bound for heaven, not for Earth.  
This love was meant to light the stars.  
But when we touched, we made it ours.  
And could they take it back?  
No they wouldn't dare.  
Why should they take it back,  
When we're in love?  
To share with all the world,  
And fill the heavens above...  
With left over love!  
Never before...!  
A love that keeps on going on and on!  
To fill each other's hearts and meet the dawn!  
Is this an angel's wish for men?!  
Never before... And never again ...!  
Never before... And never again . . .!  
_Carol quickly walked up to Kirk.  
"Hi." Carol said nervously.  
"Hi." Kirk said nervously as well. "Uh, congratulations on winning the beauty contest."  
"Oh thank you." Carol said. "Though, this isn't my usual forte. I'm really an actress/model/scientist."  
"Wow." Data said.  
"You know, we're gonna be performers too." Kirk said.  
"They are so smitten." Seven observed.  
"Oh yeah." Chekov agreed. "Hey Keptin, are ve still getting some ice cream?"  
"Oh yeah." Kirk answered. "In a minute."  
The others walked off.  
"So what are you doing in town?" Carol asked.  
"Oh, we're heading west." Kirk explained.  
"Ooh..." Carol said enamored. "Really?"  
"Yeah." Kirk answered. "I really should meet up with my friends though for the ice cream... Hey, wanna join us?"  
"Me?!" Carol called out excitedly. "Yes! Yes! Just-just give me a minute!"  
Lois then rushed off.  
"And who says women being excitable is a myth." Kirk sighed.  
"A what?" Carol asked just before leaving.  
"A my-" Kirk said before stopping himself.  
"Trust me." Kirk said. "It was a weak gag."  
"Alright." Carol said as she walked off.

* * *

Aw... The Nostalgia Critic is right. Two of the same joke being enough isn't a myth.  
Carol: A what?  
Me: A myth. MYTH!  
Red boa lady: Yes?  
Me: Oh, not again.


	9. Balloon Travel

Chapter 8: Balloon Travel

Chekov arrived at the ice cream cart.

"Hello." Chekov said. "I'd like some ice cream."

"Oh, what do you want?" The vender asked. "Chocolate? Vanilla? Rum banana?"

"Raspberry." Chekov said.

"Whoa, buddy." The vendor said with a laugh. "I may not know you that well, but I wouldn't wanna be rude to you."

Chekov chuckled with the vendor.

"Anyvay, raspberry for me, and a cherry ripple for my friend." Chekov said.

"You got it." The vendor said as he handed Chekov the ice cream.

"Thanks." Chekov said.

"Anytime." The vendor replied.

()()()()()

While Chekov and Kirk were busy, Data and Seven were walking around when Seven saw a few balloons as she looked at her wallet, and there wasn't a lot of money as she turned to Data. She was a sucker for balloons, though she'd never really figured out why, though she theorized it was due to her lost childhood due to being assimilated into the Borg Collective at seven.

"Alright, Seven." Data said. "Alright. I will get you a balloon, but you have to pick the color. Red or green?"

"Can I give ya a word of advice?" The balloon salesman asked?

"What?" Data asked.

"Why not take both?" The salesman said with a smile.

"What a wild idea!" Data called out excitedly.

"Yeah, a beautiful babe like that deserves two balloons." The salesman went on.

"Oh, stop." Seven chuckled in a way that meant the exact opposite of what she just said.

"No, he is right!" Data insisted, not understanding Seven's tone.

"I've got a bunch of guys coming through here; sometimes they get a bunch of balloons for their girls." The salesman said. "They go gaga for them."

"Gaga?!" Data repeated. "I will take the whole bunch!"

"Uh… Data…" Seven began as she felt that all the balloons were a little much.

However, Data already gave him the money, and the vender gave Data the balloons.

()()()()()

Kirk was looking around the festival, having lost track of the others in the crowd.

"Data?" Kirk asked. "I wonder where he went. Uh… Chekov?"

"Kirk!" Chekov called out as he came up with two ice creams. "Oh hey, Kirk."

Chekov then looked around.

"Vhere's your blond friend?" Chekov asked.

"Well I'm not really sure." Kirk said. "She said she was coming with us for ice cream, but-"

"Yoo-hoo!" Carol called as she rushed to the two in casual clothes and holding a suitcase. "Here I am! Here I am! I'm packed! I'm packed!"

"I can see that." Kirk said. "What for?"

"You said I could come with you." Carol said, confused.

"Yeah, to buy ice cream, not to Hollywood." Kirk said.

"Hollywood?!" Carol called out. "I just thought you were headed to Disneyland! Please, let me come!"

"Well…" Kirk said. He did fell like one more person wouldn't make a difference. They still had a fair amount of time, and plenty of seats. "Sure."

Just then, Seven rushed up in a panic.

"Everyone!" Seven called out. "It's terrible! Awful, all my fault, and we just wasted ten credits!"

"What?" Kirk asked.

"It's Data!" Seven said. "I talked him into buying me a balloon, and the human male that looked like Richard Pryor talked him into buying all of them!"

"And?" Kirk asked.

"The balloons floated him away." Carol answered.

"Are you telepathic?" Seven asked.

"No." Carol said. "He's floating over us."

Kirk looked up and sure enough, Data was floating in the air, holding onto several balloons.

"Data, what are you doing?!" Kirk asked in alarm.

"About seven naughts!" Data answered.

"We'll follow you!" Kirk called to the rapidly disappearing Data. "To the car, Chekov!"

"Yes sir!" The three then rushed to the car.

"Data, we're coming!" Kirk called out to Chekov.

()()()()()

The group quickly chased after Data, with Seven and Carol working together as navigators.

"Step on it, Chekov!" Kirk called out.

"Yes sir!" Chekov replied.

"Oh, Kirk." Carol said with a smile. "You're a born leader."

"Now where is he?" Kirk said after blushing a little at Carol's remark.

"Up ahead near a wheat field." Seven said quickly.

()()()()()

Data was floating along quite contentedly, looking over the world and God's creations.

"Oh, is this not great?" Data said to himself. He wasn't that worried since his body could handle a fall from here, being made of Duranium. "Here I am, floating in space… Or the air, rather. Either way, this is the place to be! Whoopee!"

()()()()()

Down below, Kirk got a look at Data as he began floating off due to the wind.

"Chekov, bare left!" Kirk called out.

"Vhat?" Chekov asked.

"Bare left!" Kirk repeated.

Chekov turned to look at Seven. She wasn't bare.

"No, turn left!" Kirk groaned.

"Oh, right." Chekov said. "I knew zat."

()()()()()

Data was still in the sky as he saw the car driving by, looking like a toy.

"Wow, look at our little car down there!" Tommy called out. "It is like flying! Oh wait, it is flying."

Just then, Data noticed another car following theirs.

"Hey, who are those guys?" Data wondered to himself.

()()()()()

Back on the ground, Rom and Quark were following the car as Rom looked up with binoculars.

"Hey Quark, isn't that the humon up there?" Rom was having trouble getting a clear look at the figure, and he didn't see the figure's flesh until after he had already asked the question.

"No, that's the humon up there!" Quark called out, exasperated.

()()()()()

Kirk and the others were so focused on Data that he and Chekov failed to recognize Quark's car.

"He's caught in the cross-winds, Chekov!" Kirk called out. "We're gonna lose him!"

"Oh no!" Chekov called out in alarm.

()()()()()

Meanwhile, Rom noticed Quark pulling out a phaser riffle.

"Ah!" Rom called out in alarm. "What are ya doing, Quark?!"

"I'm going after the tires." Quark responded plainly.

()()()()()

Luckily for the gang, Data stayed on course until the wind began working with them.

"The wind's dropping down." Kirk said. "We're okay now."

"Phew." Carol said.

"Wait a minute!" Kirk said. "I think he's beginning to come down. Stay with him, Chekov!"

"Right!" Chekov called out.

"He is right above us!" Seven said as she forced the top of the car open.

"He's okay." Kirk sighed.

"Yeah, hi Data!" Chekov said as he opened the door.

"CHEKOV, GET BACK IN HERE!" Kirk shouted.

"Huh?" Chekov asked.

"I said get back-" Kirk began, but too late. The car slammed into a billboard for a pie factory, launching a pie filled with whipped cream into the air as it landed on a car just behind them.

()()()()()

Rom was so caught off guard by the pie flying at them that she broke right there as it landed right on the car, covering it in whipped cream as Quark's shot went wild, obliterating all but two of the balloons Data was holding onto as he began literally falling.

()()()()()

"Oh… Crud." Data called out as he fell, managing to land right next to Seven in the seat of the car.

"Gun it, Chekov." Kirk said, having noticed Quark's car when he looked at the pie crashing into it.

"Yes sir!" Chekov called out, and they drove off.

"Well, that was fun." Data said happily.

"Is he coming with us too?" Carol asked.

Everyone nodded, sighing with relief about the rather nerve raking day being over.

()()()()()

Back at the stopped car, Quark was yelling at the top of his lungs.

"COME BACK, YOU!" Quark called out. "NO HUMON'S GONNA MAKE A MONKEY OUT OF ME!"

Rom sighed and had some of the whipped cream, which wasn't half bad.

()()()()()

Back at the carnival, several girls in bathing suits rushed out of the changing tent as Worf rushed out as well.

"I've just gotta catch up with those guys!" Worf remarked as he rushed down the road.

* * *

And so that's the end of that chapter. Sorry it took so long. I kinda got busy with other things.


	10. I Hope That Something Better Comes Along

Chapter 9: I Hope That Something Better Comes Along

As the group continued to drive on, Carol couldn't help starring at Jim.

"Wow, Jim." Carol said, a little nervous. "You were really brave and courageous."

"Gee." Jim said, equally nervous. "I-I don't know what to say."

"Say I was magnificent." Pavel said, slightly resentful over Carol's praise to Jim. "I did the driving."

"And Data was the one who aimed himself onto the car." Seven pointed out.

"Yes." Data agreed.

"Well yeah, but Jim was such a good leader." Carol asked as she couldn't stop staring at Jim.

"Gee." Jim said as he blushed badly.

"Oh brother." Pavel groaned, sure Jim was putting on a show.

"Um..." Carol said as she looked around. "Why don't we stop somewhere for the night and have a quiet little dinner?"

"Terrific!" Data said enthusiastically. "I know this great place in Munich!"

"Uh... I mean along the way." Carol pointed out.

"Oh." Data said, his eagerness deflating slightly. "My mistake."

"Well, that might be nice." Jim agreed.

()()()()()

Stopping at the first restaurant they saw, the group split up to give each of them some room to breathe after spending several days stuck in the car. As such, Jim and Carol had a table all their own outside on a porch in sight of a crescent moon.

"Oh wow." Jim said as Carol returned from the ladies room, dressed in a simple blue dress with gold lining. "Hey Carol. You look lovely tonight."

"Thank you." Carol said with a smile as she sat down next to Jim. "I'm so sorry if I kept you waiting."

"It was worth it." Jim said with a nervous chuckle.

"How charming of you." Carol said with a smile.

"I uh... Took the liberty of ordering us some wine." Jim said, half afraid he'd been too forward, based on prior experience, relieved when Carol seemed more impressed. "Oh waiter?"

The waiter, a slim man with graying hair came up.

"Yes?" The waiter asked impatiently. He seemed to have either had a rough night or was just unpleasant by nature. "May I help you?"

"Uh..." Jim said, caught off-guard by his rudeness. "The wine, please?"

The waiter looked at the basket the wine was in and pulled it out and showed it to Carol.

"Ooh, you mad impetuous fink, it's champagne." Carol said with a smile as Jim knew she was joking when she said that.

"Not exactly." The waiter said plainly. "Sparkling Marceltell. One of the finest wines of Idaho."

"Uh, you may serve us now, please." Jim said, unsure of how restaurants like this worked.

"Oh, may I?" The waiter asked sarcastically.

He then quickly undid the wrapping.

"Look how he does that." Carol said, apparently just as impressed with Jim over how he undid the wrapping around the nozzle since neither had ever really had champagne before.

"Yeah, very suave." Jim agreed.

The waiter then tossed the wrapping away and undid the top with a bottle opener. He then held the cap to Jim.

"Don't you want to smell the bottle cap?" The waiter asked.

"Oh." Jim exclaimed as he sniffed the cap. "Smells alright."

"Would you like to taste it first?" The waiter asked.

"Uh..." Jim said as he didn't have the money to afford another bottle as Carol turned to him.

"I think he's supposed to." Carol whispered in his ear.

"Oh." Jim said with relief. "Uh, would you taste it for us, please?"

The waiter rolled his eyes and took a sip from a spare glass and quickly spit it out.

"Excellent choice." The waiter said robotically.

"It oughta be for ninety-five cents." Jim told Carol, which impressed her to no end.

The waiter then poured out two glasses with the wine.

"Oh, may we have straws please?" Jim asked.

"Yes." The waiter said. "I expected that."

The waiter then unwrapped a pair of straws and placed one in each glass.

"Thank you." Jim said sincerely. "That'll be all for now."

"Oh, thank you!" The waiter said dramatically as he bowed down. "Thank you very much! Thank you."

He then left, leaving the two alone.

"Here's to you, Carol." Jim said as he lifted his glass, Carol lifted hers, and they clinked the glasses together. "Drink up."

The two drank the wine as it tasted like a generic, carbonated juice as the two sat there nervously.

"This stuff's making me a bit giggly." Carol said with a nervous smile.

"The wine?" Jim asked.

"Everything." Carol said as she and Jim looked at each other intently. Jim's mind quickly became a blank as he'd never felt this way about anyone before.

"I-it's a beautiful evening, isn't it?" Jim asked as he began sweating.

"Yeah." Carol said in a way that told Jim she was just as nervous as he was.

"The moon is just lovely." Jim said, unaware what he was really talking about at this point.

"Yeah." Carol agreed again.

"But you know, Carol, the moon isn't as lovely as you." Jim said, finally getting enough nerve to say what he'd been thinking since he saw her.

With that, the two were just about to kiss when the waiter called out.

"Carol Marcus?" The waiter called out in general. "Carol Marcus?!"

The waiter walked out to their table.

"You Carol Marcus?" The waiter asked.

"Yes." Carol asked confusedly.

"Telephone." The waiter said as he walked off.

"Oh." Carol said as she got up. "Jim, I placed a call to my agent. It'll just take one teeny-tiny moment."

"What the hey." Jim groaned over his luck.

()()()()()

Half an hour after Carol left, Jim was still waiting at the table, unsure of what to do as he heard piano music from almost nowhere as he followed it to find a slim man with a slicked back hair and no bridge over his nose playing the piano.

"Evening." The slim man said. "The name's Odo. Sit yourself down."

"Thanks." Jim said as he sat down in a chair. "I'm Jim. Jim Kirk."

"Pleased to meet you." Odo said, not missing a beat on the piano. "I'm no Mozart, but I get by."

"It was very nice." Jim said sincerely, though his mind was still on Carol.

"Broken heart, right?" Odo asked as he glanced over at Jim.

"Does it show?" Jim asked, surprised at Odo knowing what was wrong almost at once.

"Listen Kirk, when you've been around the block as many times as I have, you've seen it all, and you've done it all yourself too." Odo said plainly. "A broken heart for every drop of rain, and a shattered dream for every falling star."

"Exactly." Jim agreed. "She just walked out on me."

"Yeah, typical." Odo sighed. "That's why I live alone."

"You do, huh?" Jim asked.

"You bet." Odo answered. "I finish work. I go home. I read a book, have a couple of beers and take a walk for a breather. Then I turn gelatinous and rest in my bucket."

"Nice and simple." Jim said plainly. He was beginning to regret leaving his old home back in Iowa.

"Stay away from women." Odo concluded. "That's my motto."

"But I can't." Jim pointed out.

"Me either." Odo confessed. "That's my problem."

You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em.

There's somethin' irresistabullish about 'em.

We grin and bear it 'cause the nights are long.

I hope that somethin' better comes along.

"I see what you mean." Jim said as he listened to the song and decided to join in.

It's no good complainin', and pointless to holler.

If she's a beauty she'll get under your collar.

She made a monkey out of old King Kong,

I hope that somethin' better comes along.

As the two were singing, Jim began to feel better already and also began seeing the bright side of having someone special in his life.

Still, it's fun when they're fetchin'

And agree to see an etchin'

That you keep at your little pad.

There is no solution, it's part of evolution,

You'll soon hear the souls,

The little feet of tadpoles!

"What?" Jim asked.

"Metaphor." Odo explained.

There's no limitation to mixin' and matchin'

Some get an itchin' for a critter they've been scratchin'

A skunk was badgered the results were strong.

I hope that somethin' better,

I hope that somethin' better,

I hope that somethin' better comes along.

"Phone call for James T. Kirk!" The waiter called out as he walked over to the duo. "You James T. Kirk?"

"Yeah." Jim admitted.

"Telephone." The waiter said as Jim walked over and took it.

"Not often you see a green horn have the blues so bad." Odo said to himself as he went for his dinner break.

As Jim grabbed the phone, he heard noise from the street and wondered who could be calling as everybody was in the restaurant.

"Hello?" Jim asked.

"Jim, hang up!" Carol's voice called out from the phone. "Hurry! Hur-"

"Carol, is that you?!" Jim called out in alarm as his eyes widened, and he quickly realized he was set up and wasn't at all surprised to hear Quark on the other end of the phone just as Carol was cut off.

"Yes, that's her." Quark said calmly. "And this is Quark. Now you listen, Kirk and listen well. Step outside the restaurant, right now. My guys will meet you there.

"Well what if I don't?" Jim asked, trying to sound braver than he felt.

"Then your girlfriend will be singing with the angels." Quark said as Jim heard Carol continue to struggle.

"Jim, don't do it!" Carol said. "Forget about me, get out of here! Don't-"

The line went dead as Jim distinctly heard Quark hang up, fuming over the gloating laughter he was sure Quark was doing right now.

With no other option, Jim walked out of the back of the restaurant as Quark ordered. Just as he closed the door, several men pointed guns at him.

"So, you the guys I'm supposed to meet?" Jim asked coolly.

* * *

And thus, the plot thickens... When we're already two thirds through it.


	11. Professor Landru

Chapter 10: Professor Landru

At a barn just out of town, Jim and Carol were tied up as Quark chuckled when Rom arrived.

"The professor's here, Quark." Rom said in a less than enthused tone.

"Well show him in." Quark said enthusiastically as he appeared to already think he'd won.

"Jim, I'm not a bit worried." Carol told Jim in a whisper. "I know that between the two of us, we'll think of some way out of this."

"Well, I got us this far, didn't I?" Jim said, so nervous he wasn't exactly sure what he was saying.

Carol just turned to Jim incredulously.

Just then, a thin man with a gray goatee and wearing a white trench coat and round spectacles came in and shook Quark's hand.

"So good to see you again, Quark." The man said.

"Professor Landru." Quark said. "Great to see you again, too. How's the Archon?"

"It's doing fine." Landru said simply. "So where's my victim." He then made a mock gasp and added, "I mean patient."

"Right over here, Professor." Quark said as he led Landru to Carol and Jim. "Let me introduce you to your patient. James T. Kirk."

Landru began examining Jim.

"Professor Landru's the quadrant's leading expert on mind control." Quark said smugly.

"It's a very rapidly growing field." Landru agreed in the same calm voice as always. "And I always enjoy a challenge."

"Tell us what you're going to do to Kirk." Quark remarked.

"Well, we're going to perform an electronic cerebractomy." Landru said plainly.

"Huh?" Everyone asked.

"A little procedure I made up myself." Landru explained.

"So what's that?" Quark asked.

"Let me show you." Landru continued. "Gentlemen, bring in the machine."

The men wheeled in a machine with what looked like an electric chair attached to a computer device.

"This device utilizes both electro-shock therapy and electronic hypnosis to turn the occupant's brains into little more than guacamole."

Landru and Quark then both chuckled darkly.

"Maybe we can try pulling out of this." Jim told Carol.

"Good idea." Carol remarked as Jim tried to break free, but the ropes were so tight, he couldn't get the proper momentum to break out of them. Carol, however, was used to situations like this. "Don't worry. We just have to keep trying."

"Now, we take your friend, Mr. Kirk, clamp on the terminals, drop the electric hat onto him, and throw the switch." Landru went on.

Landru turned the switch on for show as a blue light showed on the device and the metal hat connected to it.

"Once that's done, Mr. Kirk will then be reprogrammed to do your bidding."

"Perfect." Quark said with a smirk as he and Landru shook hands again. "We'll leave you to it. Rom?"

The two walked off as Quark turned back.

"I'll be back later to pick up what's left of Mr. Kirk." Quark said with a sneer as Rom looked more and more uncomfortable.

"Alright, bring over Mr. Kirk." Strange said after Quark and Rom had left, and Jim was untied and forced over to the chair.

"Jim, whatever happens next, I'll never give up tonight for anything in the world!" Carol called out dramatically as she was already loosening the bonds around her wrists.

"Make me an offer." Jim said half-jokingly as he was strapped into the machine while Landru chuckled.

"You can struggle all you want, Mr. Kirk." Landru remarked, still not even slightly raising his voice. "It'll do you very little good."

Landru then pushed a button as the electric hat was lowered onto his head.

"Soon, there'll be enough voltage coursing through your brain to light up New York City." Landru remarked an evil sneer growing on his face.

"Let him go!" Carol called out.

"Say good-bye to the boy, madam." Landru remarked.

"Why should I?" Carol asked.

"Because in a few moments, he won't know you from Agent Oh from Men in Black III." Landru said plainly as Carol smiled.

"Oh yeah?" Carol asked as she stood up and tossed the ropes away.

She then kicked Carol away from the switch and began tossing the other people around the room, rendering almost everyone unconscious. However, while Carol was fighting, Landru had recovered and was reaching for the switch.

"Oh no!" Jim called out. Carol turned around and knocked Landru back into the machine as a short circuit freed Jim.

"Run, Jim!" Carol called out.

"Oh thank you!" Jim sighed in relief as they rushed out as Landru tried to get up, accidentally throwing the switch as he tried to lift himself up, frying his own brains in the process.

"So, where'd you learn to fight like that?" Kirk asked.

"My dad had me enroll in a self-defense class as a kid." Carol explained. She then looked around.

"Well, shall we go now, Jim?" Carol asked. "I'm sure the others are worried about us."

Just then, a phone rang.

"The heck?!" Both of them asked as Jim answered it.

"Hello?" Jim answered as he held the phone to Carol.

"It's for you, Carol." Jim said. "It's your agent."

"Oh." Carol said. "Thank you."

Carol then took the receiver.

"So Marty, what've you got?" Carol asked. "A commercial? How much? Okay."

Carol hung up and went to Jim.

"Um…" Carol said. "You'll probably wanna go ahead without me. There's a job that's going to pay me well, but it'll keep me in town a few more days than the whole group can afford, and I'll catch up to you, okay?"

Jim just stared blankly at her.

"Well…" Carol said, aware that Jim didn't really think she was coming back. "Bye."

Carol walked off, upset with herself that she was leaving Jim heartbroken, but going on anyway.

* * *

At the screening, the film suddenly deteriorated and stopped showing as everyone at the theater complained.

"Hey, what happened?" Jim asked.

"The film ripped!" Seven up in the projector room called out.

"What do you mean it ripped?!" Nog called out insanely as Kassidy and Sisko had to hold him down.

"Don't worry Nog." Jim assured him. "Your big scene is coming up."

"Yeah, yeah." Sisko said. "Just calm down and eat something."

"Okay." Nog said as he began eating his popcorn bucket.

"Well, that was easy." Kassidy sighed.

* * *

Intermission time! Take a break. Read a book. Take a walk. Or watch the latest Atop the Fourth Wall. With how often this fic's been updated, you've got time.


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